It is* 380 years to the day since the first bananas went on sale in the UK. It’s important that we all celebrate this because bananas are excellent.

Let’s review:

1. Bananas are yellow (thanks, cartenoids!). Yellow is a fine colour. Nobody doesn’t like the colour yellow. Nobody except 32% of people on this website here. But what you have to remember is that 32% of people are idiots. And I’m not trying to say it’s the same 32%, but it definitely is.
2. That shape. You can’t feel sad looking at a banana. Even an abandoned and decomposing banana skin will raise a smile. Try saying the same about an apple core. Bananas are nature’s jesters.
3a. You know that cliché about there being a party in your mouth and everyone’s invited? That was invented to describe what it’s like to eat a banana.
3b. I know what you’re thinking, though: is there ever a time when a banana doesn’t taste good? Yes: when you’re the wrong side of hungover. But apart from that, any time is a good time for a banana.
3c. Wait, actually, while I don’t doubt that it would still taste good, you definitely should not eat a banana on a train while reading 50 Shades of Grey (memo to lady I once sat opposite on the train). Also, if the BBC is filming something in your office and you can clearly be seen in the background, probably best to hang fire. But apart from those specific instances, it’s always a good time for a banana break.
4. It is never not funny to pretend to use a banana as a phone when you are a grown-up.
5. They are really good for you. Twitchy eye? A potassium-packed banana will clear it right up. High blood pressure? Two bananas a day will help regulate that. Bones feeling a bit unhealthy? I prescribe banana. Stomach ulcers? Soothe those bad boys with some banana. Bit tired? Get some natural banana-flavoured sugars in you. Feel blue? Have a banana – quite aside from the sunny colour, delicious taste and comical shape, they make you feel better because of vitamin yay or some kind of science or something. Whatever. That’s not why I’m here guys, Google it yourself.
6. I haven’t read this:

But the answer is no**.

7a. Ryan Gosling once had a banana. Lucky banana.

Gosling and a banana: a match made in heaven

7b. If ladies are more your style, good news! I risked my good name and gave pageviews to terrible lads mag lists by googling various questionable search terms like “hottest woman alive” (Fuck you, FHM! Bore off, Men’s Health!) and “mila kunis dressed as a banana” to bring you this:

That doesn’t seem to be a thing that has happened yet.
8. Bananas come in their own perfect natural packaging.
9. Other fruits are ok, but apples can hurt your teeth, there are always pips in oranges and grapes, you get orange nails from peeling satsumas and the less said about grapefuit the better. I am partial to a pear. But, really, come on, let’s face it, none of these can hold a candle to the majesty of the banana.
10. Something something bananas cats*****.


Here are some recipes you might like to try:

Mashed banana sandwich

  • 1 banana
  • 2 slices of bread
  • (optional: Nutella, second banana)

1. Mash banana
2. Put in bread
3. Eat
4. DIE HAPPY

 

Banana caramel surprise

  • 1 banana
  • 1 Cadbury’s caramel egg
  • (optional: helper, second banana)

1. Peel caramel egg
2. Peel banana
3. Take a bite of banana
4. Take a bite of caramel egg
5. ENJOY

 

Banana for beginners

  • 1 banana
  • (optional: second banana)

1. peel banana
2. eat banana
3. REJOICE

 

Here is a playlist:

Of banana-related songs (yes, it took me an embarrassingly long time to come up with Bananarama).

So now. Please. Go out. Pick up a bunch of bananas and share them with your loved ones when you go round to wish them a happy Banana Day. Then kick back with the banana playlist on loud and crack one open. Maybe later have another. Try not to think about the many potential innuendoes and unintentional double entendres there are relating to the world’s best fruit and thank christmas for Thomas Johnson seeing the potential of the humble banana back in 1633.



*Apparently. This anniversary showed up in our work calendar under ‘tech events’, so we’re kicking off from a fairly questionable classification to begin with. After some pretty standard Googling (guys, I am a professional), I found this which says that the first proper refrigerated banana shipment arrived in June 1902. That also sounds plausible. But wait! What’s this? A mid-15th century banana skin unearthed in Southwark in 1999? Basically, let’s not ruin Banana Day by overthinking things. Any time is a good time to celebrate the banana.

**I am not a doctor. If you eat a thousand bananas and die, do not sue me. The cause of death would be RAPTURES*** anyway.

***Again, I have literally no medical training of any kind****.

****Lie. I am a doctor’s daughter.

*****This is the internet, after all.

[The banana image at the top of this post is the sterling work of keepon on Flickr.]