Kate Solomon

Last night I went to see a band*.

Well, that’s a bit generous – what I actually saw was a lot of people’s backs, a host of phones and cameras waving about in the air and a rip-roaring light show. In the absence of being able to see anything worth looking at I spent some time analysing the ceiling of the venue, turning to my boyfriend, Matt, at one point to say, “Look, someone’s left a folder up on that netting!” Kind soul that he is, he dutifully looked up and “enjoyed” the moment with me but I could tell there was pity behind his smiling eyes. Pity, and a desire for me to shut up so he could enjoy the actual show.

I saw more of the performers through the digital cameras people held up than by standing on my tippiest toes. On our way home later that night, Matt casually mentioned that there had been two drummers. Oh right. Two drummers, you say. Who knew?

Like most short people, I also possess the uncanny ability to stand just one or two feet behind the place where the two tallest people in the venue will eventually choose to position themselves. And do you know what? They do not take kindly to being tapped on the shoulder and asked if they’d mind just shuffling slightly to the left. Tall people – guys! – cut us some slack here.

Once at a particularly crowded show, a man literally walked into me, looked down in surprise and then said, “Oh! Sorry. But you are very short.” Yes, yes – apologies. My fault entirely – after all, I did have the option of being tall and rejected it because I felt I would better identify with Frodo Baggins this way. I get so much more out of the Lord of the Rings than you.

And, as if all this wasn’t enough, the merch never ever ever fits. Doesn’t bother me so much now, but there was a time when I wanted to wear my musical heart on my sleeve so you could see how fabulously obscure the bands I liked were. I had to make do with baggy t-shirts acceptable only as pyjamas. That impressed no one.

So, in conclusion, being short is rubbish. Next week: a rant about why short people should get a discount on trousers.

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*It wasn’t The Rocket Summer, by the way. The image is from ineffable_pulchritude on Flickr, nothing to do with me.